Posted by: hopeofanotherworld | October 6, 2008

Death, time, and better understanding myself

Well, I have 6 drafts on here, but I don’t feel like finishing any of those so I am going to write something else.

This post may make some of my love ones sad because I may not be able to effectively convey what I wish to convey and so they may not understand me and the sentiments I express, for that I am sorry.

One of my aunts passed away last week, I teared up at the service but didn’t cry.  Three of my grandparents have passed away, I only cried a little or maybe only teared up.  All of those times it was for others pain, the pain my loved ones had around me, that I cried or teared up and not because of my own pain.  I’m not sure if I am going to be able to explain this at all, for I am not sure if I fully understand my concept of time and how I experience it.

In my life the past is a mist and a month from now is darkness, even tomorrow is mostly like looking into fog because I rarely make concrete plans.  I live in the now, the RIGHT NOW, my existence is made up of it.  Even when I’m down a hole for work, standing in 3 feet of water, or up above a ceiling walking hunched over in the heat, that’s where I am and I am content with where I am because I rarely think of anywhere else at that moment.  I know learning from the past is important and I know planning for the future is also somewhat important and the “living in the now” is not how typically our society promotes it, with all the instant gratification crap…words are failing me.

I will just say, because of how I view time and because of my faith, it’s not like my grandparents and aunt died, they are just a little absent for awhile.  It’s not denial of their deaths, it an acknowlegement of their continued life some other place; it’s just that their “body” is now just a shell, that’s really all it ever was.  Hmm, I’m not very attached to my body (I don’t mean my spirit is almost unattched), I am thankful for it, very thankful for what I can experience through it and do because of it, but it’s a thing I won’t mind casting aside.  Maybe that is another reason why death is easy for me.  I once read a book in which a character dies and someone who loves the deceased is looking at them, they look and realize that body is no longer them, the one they love, it’s empty and the one they love is somewhere else.  I understand this feeling.

I fear this post is more confusing than anything else.  It’s a rambling, words pouring out of my brain in an attempt for my brain to explain itself, alas, one cannot not fully and well explain something one does not completely understand.  My brain’s weird, in lots of ways…I guess I’m okay with that.;)

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Responses

  1. Hey Jeds, I guess I’m arriving a little late but I had forgotten you had a blog. I do somewhat understand what you’re trying to say in this. I too feel like I accept death in a weird way, especially when it comes to Christians. I’m almost jealous of those who obtain it…I know my time will come and I long for it. I was reading a book when Nana died, Epic, it painted heaven in a beautiful way and taught me to never wish anyone who has died to be here with me still. I feel like it’s a selfish thing to wish them back and almost even to miss them. I guess I’m weird too. I enjoy your blog and think you do a great job of articulating your thoughts. Love you, brother.


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