Death, time, and better understanding myself

Well, I have 6 drafts on here, but I don’t feel like finishing any of those so I am going to write something else.

This post may make some of my love ones sad because I may not be able to effectively convey what I wish to convey and so they may not understand me and the sentiments I express, for that I am sorry.

One of my aunts passed away last week, I teared up at the service but didn’t cry.  Three of my grandparents have passed away, I only cried a little or maybe only teared up.  All of those times it was for others pain, the pain my loved ones had around me, that I cried or teared up and not because of my own pain.  I’m not sure if I am going to be able to explain this at all, for I am not sure if I fully understand my concept of time and how I experience it.

In my life the past is a mist and a month from now is darkness, even tomorrow is mostly like looking into fog because I rarely make concrete plans.  I live in the now, the RIGHT NOW, my existence is made up of it.  Even when I’m down a hole for work, standing in 3 feet of water, or up above a ceiling walking hunched over in the heat, that’s where I am and I am content with where I am because I rarely think of anywhere else at that moment.  I know learning from the past is important and I know planning for the future is also somewhat important and the “living in the now” is not how typically our society promotes it, with all the instant gratification crap…words are failing me.

I will just say, because of how I view time and because of my faith, it’s not like my grandparents and aunt died, they are just a little absent for awhile.  It’s not denial of their deaths, it an acknowlegement of their continued life some other place; it’s just that their “body” is now just a shell, that’s really all it ever was.  Hmm, I’m not very attached to my body (I don’t mean my spirit is almost unattched), I am thankful for it, very thankful for what I can experience through it and do because of it, but it’s a thing I won’t mind casting aside.  Maybe that is another reason why death is easy for me.  I once read a book in which a character dies and someone who loves the deceased is looking at them, they look and realize that body is no longer them, the one they love, it’s empty and the one they love is somewhere else.  I understand this feeling.

I fear this post is more confusing than anything else.  It’s a rambling, words pouring out of my brain in an attempt for my brain to explain itself, alas, one cannot not fully and well explain something one does not completely understand.  My brain’s weird, in lots of ways…I guess I’m okay with that.;)

The up side of an over-developed sense of empathy

This is long overdue, it was started soon after going to my friend, Megan’s wedding.  I feel I should finish it. It kind of goes along with the post concerning how I feel others pain and fear for them.

After this weekend I feel I should share that I do not only experience unpleasant emotions because of others, but also the pleasant ones.  One of my very best and dearest friends got married this weekend in Indiana.  I had to drive 9 hours by myself to get there.  I’m not sure 9 hours of a trip have ever passed more quickly for me.  You see, I was excited, exstatic, and so happy for my friend.  It was almost like my whole being was radiating happiness, and it was all because of the happiness of my friend.  I got there on Thur. so I could help with decorating and such.  The feeling of happiness lasted my whole weekend, it even helped to shorten the trip home a little.  “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” because we are human and we can; God has made us to where we can be so intertwined in others lives, if we allow ourselves to be, that we can share in their sorrows and thier joys.  What amazing things relationships are and what an awesome blessing.

Christian Love: the real thing

I need to apologize for my last post, what I said was true but in my frustration I neglected to tell the whole story.  I was reminded of what else I could have told today while I was at church.  What I didn’t say about last week is that when the girl told of how her family disowned her; well, as she was talking about 30 people surrounded her in love and let her know they were her family, too.  And based on how I’ve seen the members of my church act in the past to those who have opened themselves up to be loved, they are truly loved and welcomed into homes and lives.  And when the other guy was telling his story, most of the members applauded his efforts and the fact that he didn’t back down from what he had seen and learned.  Today I guy shared that in the recent past he has struggled with drinking and being addicted to porn, he shared how he is allowing the Lord to help him overcome those things.  This guy was partly confessing but really what he was doing was giving a testimony and trying to inspire others.  The fact that he was comfortable enough to share those things says something about the environment of the congregation I attend.  Three of the elders stopped this guy as he was walking back to his chair to hug him and whisper words of encouragement and appreciation to him for sharing his story.  Three other girls confessed/asked for prayers and each of them were surrounded by a cloud of brothers and sisters.  The congregation I attend doesn’t do everything right and some of the things that happen there sometimes annoy me, but it is a family, a family of God…and it shows.  “A cord of three strands is not easily broken,” a cord made up of a whole congregation is that much stronger, there are many willing people to reach out their hands when you fall; that part, at least, is how it ought to be.  Thank you Covenant Fellowship for seeking to love as Christ loved and opening your arms to sinners instead of pushing them away.  Thank you Christ and our Father for loving us and trying to teach us how to love.

Christian “Love”

A freshman got up in church on Sunday and shared that over the summer she shared with her family what she believed…they disowned her.  I’m fairly sure her family is made up of “Christians.”  Let’s just say it angered me a little.  No matter what kind of ”Christians” they are, even if her beliefs are different, especially if her beliefs are different, shouldn’t you keep loving that person to see if you could “change them back” to the correct beliefs?  I mean, if you are living out the love of Christ, instead of turning from a family member, or anyone for that matter, shouldn’t you instead try to understand them and, if after having done that, you still think they are mistaken, shouldn’t you try to teach them the correct way in love and, in so doing, try to win their soul? I should have done research concerning this before I created a post for it but I didn’t.  I know Paul talks of how you should disfellowship someone if they are persisting in a sinful way of life, but even that is an act of love and you’re trying to get them to come back to you, not drive them away forever (literally).  Oh, also another guy got up and told of how he shared at his church some of the things he had witnessed during his mission trip to Africa.  The elders of his church then took him aside, told him those things couldn’t have happened, and told him he could never speak in that church again.  People, I understand there are different views of things, and I also understand there are some things that are, without a doubt (at least in my head and it would appear the Bible supports me) wrong, but we should always treat one another with respect.  I’m not sure how that congergation should have handled it, maybe plan another trip and have a well respected member go to see if what the young man said is true.  They were pretty much telling him to take it back and admit that those things he saw didn’t really happen.  Ah well, such is the satan-screwed-up world we live in.  “Love one another as I have loved you.”  To those moral relativists, that does not mean “Live and let live.”  But rather, bring others into the Truth, for Truth there is indeed, so they can partake in God’s un-ending love.  Love does not mean you let your loved one get away with anything; but that you love them even when they do mess up, even when they’re wrong and that you want what is best for them (not what is happiest, but best in the eternal scheme of things).  I’m straying and jumping so I shall go.

The words, “I’m sorry”

Those words don’t really mean too much to be.  I forgive people whether I hear them or not and, because my memory is so bad, I’m even pretty good about “forgive and forget” (one of the few blessings of an aweful memory).  I’m not really concerned about hearing the words “I’m sorry,”  I would rather you just live out your apology by not doing the thing again which caused  you to feel that  you should say those words.  Hmm, I guess I’m not very good at actually saying the words, “I forgive you,” because I would rather just keep treating the person the same as if nothing happened.  I suppose some people would rather hear those words than see them acted out, or they may think just the acting them out is not enough.  I suppose I should tell a certain friend I forgive them, in case such is the case with them.  I think it is quite amusing and fascinating that words are so powerful, you would think I give them a lot of credence because I so enjoy writing…perhaps it is because I am very much an introvert, but when it comes to face to face contact I guess I like the nonverbal stuff more.  Or maybe it is because part of my “language of love” is action oriented.

The Stars

This is another poem I wrote the other day right after I wrote the one about the sun.

The Stars

The stars appear so small

And yet how many soldiers have looked upon them and seen new hope

They can scarcely light your path

And yet they have guided countless sailors home

The stars are so distant, so very far away

And yet they have touched millions of children’s faces with a smile

When the children look upon them to make a secret wish

The stars sometimes seem so foreign and so cold

They do not belong to this world but somewhere far away

And yet sometimes when I look at them they seem so familar

Like they are singing a song my heart has long forgot

Perhaps it is because their foreignness, but they draw my spirit out of me

They cause it to rise from the earth and dance in joy with them

The stars whisper to me stories long forgot by man

Stories of how the earth was made

And how God would walk with man

They tell some things so slyly as to make my heart long for something I have never seen

To think, “I miss seeing the face of God”

Maybe the stars have seen His face

And reflect some of His glory all the way to here

They cause us to hope, and long, and to remember

Remember when we were young and perfectly walked with Him

The Sun

The Sun

The Sun slowly drifts toward the earth

Losing the battle to fight stay aloft

Losing the battle to fight off the dark and damp and cold

Despite its struggles the Sun sinks to the earth

Despite its struggles it cannot remain

With one last effort to fight the dark

With one desparate effort before he falls

The Sun spills his own blood

The Sun spills his light from his body, his head, his every hair erupts with it

His blood bursts forth and bathes the sky

His blood bursts forth, spraying the horizon with light and color

He cries in pain as his life ebbs away

He cries in frustration because he knows he cannot stop the dark

But in his eyes there’s hope

In his eyes there’s a set resolve

With one last gargantuan effort he beats his heart

With one last effort his blood fills the skies with colors and with light

He uses the dark to his advantage

He uses the dark to make him beautiful

And in his beauty he yells a last battle cry

In his beauty he shouts a promise to man and to the dark

“For now I die and pass away”

“For now I die, but tomorrow I shall rise again”

In spilling his blood he hoped to make man remember him

In spilling his blood he hoped to pour his beauty into the eye of man

To cause man to hope, to remember all does not end in darkness

To cause man to think, though darkness appears to win

Tomorrow

Tomorrow it will lose and in a shout of glory

The Sun will rise again

satan’s armor: given “free” of charge (a poem)

Self-made darkness

Created for one

Made by one

Just what I ordered

Just what I should expect

Blinders, custom made to fit

They block out Light and Truth

Exactly what I needed

It’s just what I always wanted

A set of iron mittens

Guranteed to keep your hands in fists

No one can hold you by the hand

Or help you up when you fall

One heart-shaped stone case

Never let your heart be broke

No one can touch it

Or cause you to feel any pain

This is armor

Not of God

But of satan

And he offers it free of charge

You’ll never squint your eyes in discomfort

Never be confused by “Light” or “Truth”

You can keep your fearsome independence intact

You never have to be hurt again

Of course

satan doesn’t tell you,

You Were Made for Light

Doesn’t tell you the “Truth shall set you free”

And with the Light, perfect understanding will come in time

satan forgot to tell you,

In giving up your freedom

God gives you wings to fly

Returns to you more freedom than you ever had before

He somehow negelcted to tell you,

In opening your heart to God

That, yes, God may break it

But he will put it back together again

With more capacity to feel love and passion

And also more capacity to accept love and comfort

That you will develop an everlasting joy

Oh

And did he tell you

That in the end

his armor turns to dust

Leaving you naked, broken, and alone

So put on the armor of God

And God will give you strength to wear it well

He will give you the courage and perseverance you need 

To wear it like a king or queen

Until, One Day, that is what you’ll be

On that Day you can lay all armor aside

And be revealed in all your beauty

As the radiant creature God has always meant for you to be

Sha’lom

These thoughts are brought to you thanks to Fortner (that man makes me think more than almost anyone else).

“Sha’lom is not the absence of the dark, but the presence of God which neutralizes those things.” – Fortner  The rest of this is paraphrased, and even the quote isn’t exact.  Sha’lom does not simply mean “peace,” it means things are as they should be.  Not that everything is going well and that there are no storms but that the connection between Heaven and earth are as they should be, our lives are connected to God as they should be; so, even in the storms, we have peace and joy.

Now me: there is a song by Ginny Owens which has a line within it that has always stuck in my head, “He  [Christ] never said it would be easy, he only said I’d never go alone.”  Christ never said it would be easy, rather, he even promised persecution and hardships.  But Christ also promised a constant “connection” between Heaven and here, he promised a Comforter who would strengthen, comfort and guide.

So, I say Sha’lom to you my brothers and sisters.  May your eyes be strong as they ever look toward heaven; may they be sure though they look through clouds and rain, hail and the threatening darkness.  May you ever see the ray of Light shining down on you, and also look inside yourself to find the Light that’s dwelling there.  Though a flood be raging round you, may you remember you are anchored to the Rock which does not, cannot move.  When the water sweeps over your head and you think that you may drown, may you remember your feet are sure and the Breath which brought the universe to being is breathing life into your lips, into your very soul.  May your heart ever be open to the Spirit so all will be as it should be, with you connected to God and he holding you in his strong, firm, gentle, teaching hands.

Smiles

Smiles are wonderful things but they are also one of the easiest means by which we lie.  I was walking to work this morning, in a very brooding mood, with my eyebrows knit together in concentration, when a lady stopped me to ask for directions.  I instantly smiled politely, especially when she said something “witty,” and told her where to go…honestly, I didn’t feel like smiling and, because of that, I feel I was conveying something about myself which was not true. 

Now on to smiles in general.  My mother has told me many times something along the lines of, “Smile, because you don’t know who’s watching; someone may be falling in love with your smile.”  And she also has told me to smile when I am on the phone because you can “hear” someone’s smile in their voice.  In the book I’m reading right now, New Moon, one of the main characters often talks about how her boyfriend’s smiles do not “touch his eyes.”  With some people, their eyes do not make too much difference in their smiles but others, when a smile reaches to their eyes, it’s like the stars, in all their glory, are shining forth from their eyes.  This type of people’s eyes sparkle and even sometimes when their mouth is not smiling, their eyes “dance with mirth” and smile on their own. 

I just think it’s fascinating how such a simple action can convey so much, can change someone so much, can add so much beauty to someone’s face.  I love how smiles can help to convey how happy you are to see someone; how, when two have been separated for a time, a smile can say so many things, ”I missed you,” “I love you and am glad you’re safe and home,” “I adore you,” and so many other things as well.

Certain smiles I have seen will be an eternal blessing, remembered forever and always. 

To those of you who have given me and others real, sincere smiles, I thank you; thank you for allowing light to stream from your eyes and chase away the gloom another may be feeling.  Thank you for your smiles.